The Online Library of Liberty

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• The Religious Pilgrimage.
• ΙΧΘϒΟΦΑΓΙΑ.
• The Funeral.
• Echo.
• ΠΟΛϒΔΑΙΤΙΑ, Or, the Unequal Feast.
• Of Things and Words.
• Charon.
• The Assembly of Grammarians.
• ΑΓΑΜΟΣ ΓΑΜΟΣ, Or, the Unequal Marriage.
• The Imposture.
• Cyclops, Or the Gospel-carrier.
• ΑΠΡοΣΔΙοΝϒΣΑ the Impertinents, Or Crosspurposes.
• The False Knight: Or, ΙΠΠΕϒΣ ΑΝΙΠΠΟΣ·
• ΑΣΤΡΑΓΑΛΙΣΜΟΣ.
• ΓϒΝΑΙΚΟΣϒΝΕΔΡΙΟΝ. the Assembly Or Parliament of Women.
• Diluculum: Or, the Early Rising.
• ΝΗΦΑΛΙοΝ ΣϒΜΠοΣΙοΝ. the Sober Feast.
• The Notable Art.
• The Sermon, Or Merdardus.
• The Lover of Glory.
• Opulentia Sordida, Or the Wealthy Miser.
• The Seraphick Funeral.
• Amicitia, Or Friendship.
• Problema.
• The Epicurean.
• The Conflict Between Thalia and Barbarism.
• Des. Erasmus of Rotterdam to the Reader,: Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies.
• Erasmus of Rotterdam, of the Method of Study, to Christianus of Lubeck.

ΑΓΑΜΟΣ ΓΑΜΟΣ, or, The UNEQUAL MARRIAGE.

The Argument.

PETRONIUS and GABRIEL.

PET.

Whence is our Gabriel come, with this sour Look? what, is he come out of Trophonius’s Cave?

Ga.

No, I have been at a Wedding.

Pet.

I never saw a Look in my Life that had less of the Air of a Wedding in it; for those that have been at Weddings, use to look cheerfully and airily for a whole p. 154 Week after, and old Men themselves to look younger by ten Years. What Wedding is it that you have been at? I believe at the Wedding of Death and the Cobler.

Ga.

Not so, but of a young Gentleman with a Lady of Sixteen, who has all the Accomplishments that you can wish for, whether Beauty, good Humour, Family, or Fortune; in short, a Wife fit for Jupiter himself.

Pet.

Phoo! what, so young a Girl to such an old Fellow as he?

Ga.

Kings don’t grow old.

Pet.

But what makes you look so melancholy then? It may be you envy the Happiness of the Bridegroom, who has rival’d you.

Ga.

Pshaw, there’s nothing of that in the Matter.

Pet.

Well then, has any Thing happen’d like what is related of the Lapithae’s Feast?

Ga.

No, not so neither.

Pet.

What then, had you not Wine enough?

Ga.

Yes, and too much too.

Pet.

Had you no Pipers?

Ga.

Yes, and Fiddlers too, and Harpers, and Trumpeters, and Bagpipers.

Pet.

What was the Matter then? Was not Hymen at the Wedding?

Ga.

They call’d loudly for him with all this Musick, but to no Purpose.

Pet.

Were not the Graces there neither?

Ga.

Not a Soul of them, nor Bridemaid Juno, nor beautiful Venus, nor Jupiter Gamelius.

Pet.

By my Troth, you tell me a Story of a dull Weding indeed, an ungodly one, or rather an unmarried Marriage.

Ga.

You would have said so indeed, if you had seen it.

Pet.

Had you no Dancing at it?

Ga.

No, but we had wretched Limping.

Pet.

What, had you no lucky Godship at all to exhilarate the Wedding.

Ga.

No, not one there but a Goddess, that the Greeks call Psora.

Why, you give me an Account of a scabby Wedding indeed.

Ga.

Nay, a cankered, and a pockey one.

Pet.

But, prithee, Friend Gabriel, tell me, What makes the Remembrance of it fetch Tears from your Eyes?

Ga.

Ah! dear Petronius, it is enough to fetch Tears from a Flint-Stone.

Pet.

I believe so, if a Flint-Stone had been present, and seen it. But prithee, What extraordinary Mischief is this? Don’t hide it from me, nor keep my Expectation any longer in Suspense.

Ga.

Do you know Lampridius Eubulus?

Pet.

Yes; there is not a better nor happier Man in the City.

Ga.

Well, and do you know his Daughter Iphigenia too?

Pet.

You have mention’d the very Flower of the Age.

Ga.

She is so; but, do you know who she’s married to?

Pet.

I shall know when you have told me.

Ga.

She is married to Pompilius Blennus.

Pet.

What, to that Hector, that us’d to talk Folks to Death in cracking of his bullying Tricks?

Ga.

To the very Man.

Pet.

He has been for a long Time very noted in this Town, for two Things chiefly, i. e. Lying, and the Mange, which has no proper Name to it, tho’ indeed it has a great many.

Ga.

A very proud Distemper, that won’t strike Sail to the Leprosy, the Elephantine Leprosy, Tetters, the Gout, or Ringworm, if there was to be an Engagement between them.

Pet.

So the Sons of Esculapius tell us.

Ga.

What Need is there, Petronius, for me to describe to you a Damsel that you are very well acquainted with? altho’ her Dress was a great Addition to her native Beauty. My Petronius, you would have taken her for a Goddess, had you seen her. Every Thing in her and about her was graceful. In the mean Time out comes our blessed Bridegroom with his Snub-Nose, dragging one Leg after him, but not so p. 156 cleverly neither as the Switzers do; itchy Hands, a stinking Breath, heavy Eyes, his Head bound up with a Forehead-Piece, and a Running at his Nose and Ears. Other People wear their Rings on their Fingers, but he wears his on his Thighs.

Pet.

What was in the Mind of the Lady’s Parents, to join such a Daughter to a living Mummy?

Ga.

I can’t tell, except it was with them, as it is with many more, that have lost their Senses.

Pet.

It may be he was very rich.

Ga.

He is very rich indeed, but it is in the Debts he owes.

Pet.

What greater Punishment could they have inflicted upon the Maid, if she had poison’d her Grandfathers and Grandmothers, both of the Father’s and Mother’s Side?

Ga.

Nay, if she had scatter’d her Water upon the Grave of her Parents, it would have been a Punishment bad enough to have oblig’d her but to have given a Kiss to such a Monster.

Pet.

I am of your Mind.

Ga.

I look upon it a greater Piece of Cruelty, than if they had stripp’d their Daughter naked, and expos’d her to Bears, Lions, or Crocodiles: For these wild Beasts would either have spar’d her for her exquisite Beauty, or put her out of her Pain by a quick Dispatch.

Pet.

You say right: I think this is what would have become Mezentius himself, who, as Virgil tells us, bound dead Bodies to living ones, Hands to Hands, and Mouths to Mouths. But I don’t believe Mezentius himself would have been so inhuman as to have bound such a lovely Maid to such a Carcass as this: Nor is there any dead Body you would not chuse to be bound to, rather than to such a stinking one; for his Breath is rank Poison, what he speaks is Pestilence, and what he touches mortifies.

Ga.

Now, Petronius, imagine with yourself what a Deal of Pleasure she must needs take in these Kisses, Embraces, and nocturnal Dalliances.

Pet.

I have sometimes heard Parsons talk of unequal p. 157 Matches; that may certainly with the greatest Propriety be call’d an unequal Match; which is, as it were, setting a Jewel in Lead. But all this While I stand in Admiration at the Virgin’s Courage; for such young Damsels are frighted out of their Wits at the Sight of a Fairy or a Hobgoblin; and can this Damsel dare to embrace such a Carcass as this in the Night-Time?

Ga.

The Damsel has these three Things to plead in her Excuse; The Authority of her Parents, the Persuasion of her Friends, and the Unexperiencedness of her Age. But I am amaz’d at the Madness of her Parents. Who is there that has a Daughter never so homely, that would marry her to a Leper?

Pet.

No Body, in my Opinion, that had a Grain of Sense. If I had a Daughter that had but one Eye, and but one Leg, and as deform’d as Thersites was, that Homer speaks of, and I could not give her a Penny for her Portion, I would not marry her to such a Son-in-Law as he.

Ga.

This Pox is more infectious and destructive than the worst of Leprosies: It invades on a sudden, goes off, and rallies again, and frequently kills at last; while the Leprosy will sometimes let a Man live, even to extreme old Age.

Pet.

Perhaps the Parents were ignorant of the Bridegroom’s Distemper.

Ga.

No, they knew it very well.

Pet.

If they had such a Hatred to their Daughter, why did they not sew her up in a Sack, and throw her into the Thames?

Ga.

Why truly if they had, the Madness would not have been so great.

Pet.

By what Accomplishments did the Bridegroom recommend himself to them? Was he excellent in any Art?

Ga.

Yes, in a great many; he’s a great Gamester, he’ll drink down any Body, a vile Whoremaster, the greatest Artist in the World at bantering and lying, a notable Cheat, pays no Body, revels prodigally; and in short, whereas there are but seven liberal Sciences taught in the Schools, he’s Master of more than ten liberal ones.

Sure he must have something very extraordinary to recommend him to the Parents.

Ga.

Nothing at all, but the glorious Title of a Knight.

Pet.

A fine Sort of a Knight, that can scarce sit in a Saddle for the Pox! But it may be he had a great Estate.

Ga.

He had once an indifferent one; but by his living so fast, has little or nothing left, but one little Turret, from whence he makes Incursions to rob Passengers; and that’s so illy provided for Entertainment, that you would not accept of it for a Hog-Stye. And he’s always bragging of his Castles, and Fiefs, and other great Things; and is for setting up his Coat of Arms every where.

Pet.

What Coat of Arms does his Shield bear?

Ga.

Three Golden Elephants in a Field Gules.

Pet.

Indeed an Elephant is a good Bearing for one that is sick of the Elephantiasis. He must, without Doubt, be a Man of Blood.

Ga.

Rather a Man of Wine; for he is a great Admirer of Red Wine, and by this Means he is a Man of Blood for you.

Pet.

Well then, his Elephant’s Trunk will be serviceable to him.

Ga.

It will so.

Pet.

Then this Coat of Arms is a Token that he is a great Knave, a Fool, and a Drunken Sot; and the Field of his Coat of Armour represents Wine, and not Blood; and the Golden Elephant denotes, that what Gold he had, has been spent in Wine.

Ga.

Very right.

Pet.

Well, what Jointure does this Bully settle upon his Bride?

Ga.

What? Why a very great one.

Pet.

How can a Bankrupt settle a large one?

Ga.

Pray don’t take me up so short; I say again, a very large one, a thundering Pox.

Pet.

Hang me, if I would not sooner marry my Daughter to a Horse, than to such a Knight as he.

Ga.

I should abundantly rather chuse to marry my Daughter to a Monk; for this is not marrying to a Man, but to the Carcase of a Man. Now, tell me, had you been present where this Spectacle was to be seen, could you refrain from Tears?

Pet.

How should I, when I can’t hear it without? Were the Parents so abandon’d to all natural Affection, as to throw away their only Child, a Virgin of such Beauty, Accomplishments, and sweet Conditions, by selling her for a Slave to such a Monster, for a lying Coat of Arms?

Ga.

But this enormous Crime, than which you can’t find one more inhuman, cruel, or unlike a Parent, is made but a Jest on now-a-Days by our People of Quality: altho’ it is necessary that those that are born for the Administration of the Affairs of the Government, should be Persons of very sound and strong Constitutions: For the Constitution of the Body has a great Influence upon the Mind; and it is not to be doubted, but this Disease exhausts all the Brains a Man has: and by this Means it comes to pass, that our Ministers of State have neither sound Minds, nor sound Bodies.

Pet.

It is not only requisite that our Ministers of State should be Men of sound Judgment, and strong Constitutions but Men of Honour, and goodly Personages. Altho’ the principal Qualifications of Princes are Wisdom and Integrity, yet it is of some considerable Moment what the Form of his Person is that governs others: for if he be cruel, the Deformity of his Body will expose him the more to Envy. If he be a Prince of Probity and Piety, his Virtue will be render’d more conspicuous by the Amiableness of his Person.

Ga.

That’s very true.

Pet.

Don’t People use to lament the Misfortune of those Women, whose Husbands, soon after their Marriage, fall into Leprosies or Apoplexies?

Ga.

Yes, and that with very good Reason too.

Pet.

What Madness is it then, voluntarily to deliver a Daughter over into the Hands of a Leper?

Ga.

Nay, it is worse than Madness. If a Nobleman has a Mind to have a good Pack of Hounds, do you think he would bring a mangy scoundrel Cur to a well-bred Bitch?

No, he would with the utmost Diligence look for a Dog, that upon all Accounts was of a good Breed, to line her, that he might not have a Litter of Mongrels.

Ga.

And if a Lord had a Mind to have a good Breed of Horses, would he admit a diseased good-for-nothing Stallion to leap a most excellent Mare?

Pet.

No, he would not suffer a diseased Stallion to enter his Stable Door, lest he should infect other Horses.

Ga.

And yet, at the same Time, they don’t matter what Sort of a Son-in-Law they gave their Daughter to, from whom those Children are to be produc’d, that are not only to inherit their Estates, but also to govern the State.

Pet.

Nay, a Country Farmer won’t suffer any Bull to leap a young Cow, nor every Horse his Mare, nor every Boar to brim his Sow; tho’ a Bullock is design’d for the Plough, a Horse for the Cart, and a Swine for the Kitchen.

Ga.

See now how perverse the Judgments of Mankind are. If a poor Fellow should presume to kiss a Nobleman’s Daughter, they would think the Affront a Foundation enough to go to War upon.

Pet.

And very hotly too.

Ga.

And yet these Persons, voluntarily, knowingly, and deliberately, give up the dearest Thing they have in the World to such an abominable Monster, and are privately unnatural to their own Flesh and Blood, and publickly to their Country.

Pet.

If the Bridegroom does but halt a little, altho’ as to any Thing else he is perfectly sound, how is he despis’d for a Husband! And is the Pox the only Thing that is no Inconvenience in a married Life?

Ga.

If any Man should marry his Daughter to a Franciscan, what an abominable Thing would it be accounted! what an Outcry would there be, that he had thrown his Daughter away! But yet, when he has pull’d off that Dress, he has every Way well-made sound Limbs; while the other must pass her Days with a rotten Carcase, that is but half alive. If any one is married to a Priest, he is banter’d on account of his Unction; but one that is married to one that has the Pox, has one whose Unctions are worse by Abundance.

Pet.

Enemies that have taken a Maid captive, won’t be guilty of such Barbarity as this; nor will Kidnappers themselves, to those they have kidnapp’d away; and yet Parents will be guilty of it against their only Daughter; and there’s no Magistrate ordain’d to prevent the Mischief.

Ga.

How should a Physician cure a Madman, if he has a Spice of the same Distemper himself?

Pet.

But it is a Wonder to me, that Princes, whose Business it is to take Care of the Common-Wealth only in those Things which relate to the Body, of which nothing is of greater Moment than the Health of it, should find out no Remedy for this Evil. This egregious Pestilence has infected great Part of the Earth; and in the mean Time they lie snoring on, and never mind it, as if it were a Matter not worth their Notice.

Ga.

Have a Care, Petronius, what you say as to Princes. But hark you, I’ll tell you a Word in your Ear.

Pet.

O wretched! I wish what you say were not true.

Ga.

How many Diseases do you think are caused by bad Wine, a thousand Ways sophisticated?

Pet.

Why, if we may believe the Physicians, they are innumerable.

Ga.

Well, and do the Ministers of State take any Care of the Matter?

Pet.

They take Care enough as to the collecting the Excise, but no further.

Ga.

She that knowingly marries a Husband that is not sound, perhaps may deserve to suffer the Punishment she has brought upon herself; altho’, if it were my Fortune to sit at the Helm, I would banish them both from civil Society: But if any one married one that was infected with this Disease, who told her he was a sound Man, and I were chosen Pope, I would make this Marriage void, altho’ it had been confirm’d by a thousand Contracts.

Pet.

Upon what Pretence I wonder? For Marriage legally contracted can’t be disannull’d by any human Power.

Ga.

What? Do you think that legally contracted, which is contracted treacherously? A Contract is not valid, if a Slave palms himself upon a Maid for a free Man, and she marries him as such. She that marries such a Slave, marries an errant Slave; and her Slavery is so much the more unhappy, in that the Lady Psora never makes any Body free; that there’s no comfortable Hope of ever being deliver’d from this Slavery.

Pet.

Indeed you have found out a Colour for it.

Ga.

And besides, there can be no such Thing as Marriage, but between those Persons that are living; but in this Case, a Woman is married to a dead Man.

Pet.

You have found out another Pretence: But I suppose you would permit pocky Folks to marry pocky, that, according to the old Proverb, there might be like to like.

Ga.

If it was lawful for me to act for the Good of the Publick, I would suffer them to be married together, but I would burn them after they were married.

Pet.

Then you would act the Part of a Tyrant, not of a Prince.

Ga.

Do you account a Surgeon to be a Tyrant who cuts off some of the Fingers, or burns some Part to preserve the whole Body? I don’t look upon that to be Cruelty, but rather Mercy. And I wish this had been done when this Distemper first appear’d in the World; then the publick Welfare of Mankind had been consulted by the Destruction of a few. And we find Examples of this in the French Histories.

Pet.

But it would be a gentler Way to geld them, or part them asunder.

Ga.

And what would you have done to the Women, pray?

Pet.

I’d padlock them up.

Ga.

That’s one Way, indeed, to prevent us from having more of the Breed; but I will confess it is a gentler Way, if you will but own the other to be safer. Even those that p. 163 are castrated, have an itching Desire upon them; nor is the Infection convey’d by one Way only, but by a Kiss, by Discourse, by a Touch, or by drinking with an infected Party. And we find also, that there is a certain malicious Disposition of doing Mischief peculiar to this Distemper, that whosoever has it, takes a Delight to propagate it to as many as he can, tho’ it does him no good. Now if they be only separated, they may flee to other Places, and may either by Night impose upon Persons, or on them that do not know them. But there can be no Danger from the Dead.

Pet.

I confess it is the safest Way, but I can’t tell whether it is agreeable to Christian Gentleness, or no.

Ga.

Prithee tell me then, from whom is there the most Danger, from common Thieves, or from such Cattle?

Pet.

I confess Money is of much less Value than Health.

Ga.

And yet we Christians hang them, nor is it accounted Cruelty, but Justice; and if you consider the publick Good, it is our Duty so to do.

Pet.

But in this Case, the Person is punish’d that did the Injury.

Ga.

What, then these, I warrant you, are Benefactors to the Publick? But let us suppose that some get this Distemper without any Fault of their own; tho’ you will find that very few have it, that don’t get it by their own Wickedness: the Lawyers will tell you, it is sometimes lawful to put the Innocent to Death, if it be very much for the Good of the Publick; as the Greeks, after the taking of Troy, put Astyanax, the Son of Hector, to Death, lest he should set a new War on Foot: Nor do they think it any Wickedness, to put a Tyrant’s innocent Children to Death, after they have slain the Father. And do not we Christians go to War, tho’ at the same Time the greatest Share of the Calamities falls on those Persons, that least deserve them? And it is the same Thing in our Reprisals, or Letters of Mark; he who did the Wrong is safe, and the Merchant is robb’d, who never so much as heard one Word of it, he is so far from being chargeable with the Fault. Now if we make Use of such Remedies as these in Things of no great Moment, what, think you, ought to be done in a Matter of the greatest Consequence?

Pet.

I am overcome by the Truth of your Arguments.

Ga.

Then take this along with you too. As soon as ever the Plague begins to appear in Italy, the infected Houses are shut up, and the Nurses that look after the Sick, are forbidden to appear abroad. And tho’ some call this Inhumanity, it is the greatest Humanity; for by this prudent Care, the Calamity is put a Stop to, by the Burials of a few Persons. But how great Humanity is it to take Care to preserve the Lives of so many thousands? Some think it a very inhospitable Thing, for the Italians, when there is but the bare Report of a Pestilence, to drive Travellers from their very Gates in an Evening, and force them to lie all Night in the open Air. But for my Part, I account it an Act of Piety to take Care of the publick Good at the Inconvenience of a few. Some Persons look upon themselves very couragious and complaisant, in daring to venture to visit one that is sick of the Plague, having no Manner of Call at all to do it; but what greater Folly can there be, than by this Courage, when they come Home, to bring the Distemper to their Wives and Children, and all their Family? What can be more unkind, than by this Complaisance to a Friend, to bring those Persons that are the dearest to you in the World, into the Danger of their Lives? But then again, how less dangerous is the Plague itself than the Pox? the Plague frequently passes by those that are nearest, and seldom affects the old; and as to those that it does affect, it either dispatches them quickly, or restores them to their Health much sounder than they were before. But as for the Pox, what is that but a lingring Death; or, to speak more properly, Burial?

Pet.

What you say is very true; and at least, the same Care ought to be taken to prevent so fatal an Evil, as they take to prevent the spreading of the Leprosy; or if this should be thought too much, no Body should let another shave him, but be his own Barber.

But what will you say, if both of them keep their Mouths shut?

Pet.

They would take the Infection in at their Nostrils.

Ga.

But there is a Remedy for that too.

Pet.

What is it?

Ga.

They may do as the Alchymists do, they may wear a Mask with Glasses for Eyes to see thro’, and a breathing Place for their Mouths and Nostrils, thro’ a Horn which reaches from their Jaw-Bones down to their Back.

Pet.

That Contrivance might do pretty well, if there were no Danger from the Touch of the Finger, the Linen, the Combs, and the Scissars.

Ga.

But however, I think ’tis the best Way to let the Beard grow, tho’ it be even down to the Knees.

Pet.

Why, I am of that Mind too. And then let there be an Act of Parliament, that the same Person shan’t be a Barber and a Surgeon too.

Ga.

But that’s the Way to starve the Barbers.

Pet.

Then let them spend less, and be something better paid for Shaving.

Ga.

Let it be so with all my Heart.

Pet.

And let there be a Law made too, that no Body shall drink out of the same Cup with another.

Ga.

They will scarce be confin’d to that in England.

Pet.

And that two shan’t lie in the same Bed, unless they be Husband and Wife.

Ga.

I like that very well.

Pet.

And then as to Inns, let no Stranger sleep in the same Sheets, that another has lain in before.

Ga.

But what will you do then with the Germans, who scarce wash them twice a Year?

Pet.

Let them employ Washer-Women. And besides, let them leave off the Custom of saluting with a Kiss, altho’ it be of an old standing.

Ga.

But then, as to the Churches?

Pet.

Let every one hold his Hand before his Mouth.

Ga.

But then as to common Conversation?

Pet.

Let that Direction of Homer be observed, not to come too near the Person he talks to, and let he that hears him keep his Lips shut.

Ga.

Twelve Tables would scarce contain all these Laws.

Pet.

But in the mean Time, what Advice do you give for the poor unfortunate Girl?

Ga.

What can I give her but this, that unless she likes being miserable, she be so as little as she can? to clap her Hands before her Mouth, whenever her Husband offers to kiss her; and to put on Armour when she goes to Bed with him.

Pet.

Whither do you steer your Course when you go Home?

Ga.

Directly to my Closet.

Pet.

What are you going to do there?

Ga.

They have desired me to write an Epithalamium; but instead of it, I will write an Epitaph.

Unequal Marriage153

Dispar, here in the sense of ill-assorted.

Trophonius’s Cave153

See above, p. 447.

A Goddess that the Greeks call Psora154

Ψώρα (from ψάω), scabies, the disease called scab, or itch.

If she had scatter’d her Water upon the Grave of her Parents, etc.156

Minxit in patrios cineres.—Hor.

In paganism a parent’s grave was regarded with the most religious veneration; it was both crime and calamity to desolate it.

Throw her into the Thames157

“Into the Scheldt (Scalda),” original.

Reprisals, or Letters of Mark163

“These letters were grantable by the law of nations, whenever the subjects of one state were oppressed and injured by those of another; and justice is denied by that state to which the oppressor belongs. In this case letters of marque and reprisals (words used as synonymous, and signifying, the latter, a taking in return, the former, the passing the frontiers in order to such taking) may be obtained in order to seize the bodies or goods of the subjects of the offending state, until satisfaction be made, where they happen to be found.” The practice has long been disused. Commissions granted in time of war for privateers are termed letters of marque. See Kerr’s Blackstone: The Royal Prerogative. Blackstone is clearly wrong in his derivation of marque; he is no authority in etymology. Another writer derives it from market, because the holders of these letters may sell or bring to market the spoil they might take!—wide of the mark, indeed! Surely the meaning of “letters of marque” is letters with the king’s seal: it being a branch of the royal prerogative to grant them. Analogous is mark, the coin formerly in use, bearing the royal sign. So again the French lettre de cachet, a folded letter with the king’s seal.