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• The Religious Pilgrimage.
• ΙΧΘϒΟΦΑΓΙΑ.
• The Funeral.
• Echo.
• ΠΟΛϒΔΑΙΤΙΑ, Or, the Unequal Feast.
• Of Things and Words.
• Charon.
• The Assembly of Grammarians.
• ΑΓΑΜΟΣ ΓΑΜΟΣ, Or, the Unequal Marriage.
• The Imposture.
• Cyclops, Or the Gospel-carrier.
• ΑΠΡοΣΔΙοΝϒΣΑ the Impertinents, Or Crosspurposes.
• The False Knight: Or, ΙΠΠΕϒΣ ΑΝΙΠΠΟΣ·
• ΑΣΤΡΑΓΑΛΙΣΜΟΣ.
• ΓϒΝΑΙΚΟΣϒΝΕΔΡΙΟΝ. the Assembly Or Parliament of Women.
• Diluculum: Or, the Early Rising.
• ΝΗΦΑΛΙοΝ ΣϒΜΠοΣΙοΝ. the Sober Feast.
• The Notable Art.
• The Sermon, Or Merdardus.
• The Lover of Glory.
• Opulentia Sordida, Or the Wealthy Miser.
• The Seraphick Funeral.
• Amicitia, Or Friendship.
• Problema.
• The Epicurean.
• The Conflict Between Thalia and Barbarism.
• Des. Erasmus of Rotterdam to the Reader,: Concerning the Profitableness of Colloquies.
• Erasmus of Rotterdam, of the Method of Study, to Christianus of Lubeck.

CHARON.

The Argument.

CHARON, Genius ALASTOR.

CH.

Whither are you going so brisk, and in such Haste, Alastor?

Al.

O Charon, you come in the Nick of Time, I was coming to you.

Ch.

Well, what News do you bring?

Al.

I bring a Message to you and Proserpine, that you will be glad to hear.

Ch.

Out with what you have brought, and lighten your Burden.

Al.

The Furies have been no less diligent than they have been successful, in gaining their Point: there is not a Foot of Ground upon Earth, that they have not infected with their hellish Calamities, Seditions, Wars, Robberies, and Plagues; so that they are grown quite bald, having shed their Snakes, and having quite spit all their Venom, they ramble about in search after whatever they can find of Vipers and Asps; being become as smooth as an Egg, not having so much as a single Hair upon their Heads, and not one Drop of Venom more in their Breasts. Do you get your Boat and your Oars ready; you will have such a vast Multitude of Ghosts come to you anon, that I’m afraid you won’t be able to carry them all over yourself.

Ch.

I could have told you that.

Al.

How came you to know it?

Ch.

Ossa brought me that News above two Days ago.

Al.

Nothing is more swift than that Goddess. But what makes you loitering here, having left your Boat?

Ch.

My Business brought me hither; I came hither to provide myself with a good strong Three-Oar’d Boat: for my Boat is so rotten and leaky with Age, that it will not carry such a Burden, if Ossa told me true. But, indeed, what Need was there of Ossa? for the Thing shews itself, for I have suffered Shipwreck already.

Al.

Indeed you are dropping dry, I fancied you were just come out of a Bath.

Ch.

No, I swam out of the Stygian Lake.

Al.

Where did you leave the Ghosts?

Ch.

They are swimming among the Frogs.

Al.

But what was it that Ossa told you?

Ch.

That the three Monarchs of the World were bent upon one another’s Destruction with a mortal Hatred, and that there was no Part of Christendom free from the Rage of War; for these three have drawn all the rest in to be engag’d in the War with them. They are all so haughty, that not one of them will in the least submit to the other: Nor are the Danes, the Poles, the Scots, nor the Turks at Quiet, but are preparing to make dreadful Havock. The Plague rages every where, in Spain, Britain, Italy, and France; and more than all, there is a new Fire sprung out of the Variety of Opinions, which has so corrupted the Minds of all Men, that there is no such Thing as sincere Friendship any where; But Brother is at Enmity with Brother, and Husband and Wife cannot agree. And it is to be hop’d, that this Distraction will be a glorious Destruction of Mankind, if these Controversies, that are now managed by the Tongue and the Pen, come once to be decided by Arms.

Al.

All that Fame has told you is very true; for I myself, having been a constant Companion of the Furies, have with these Eyes seen more than all this, and that they never p. 141 at any Time have approv’d themseves more worthy of their Name, than now.

Ch.

But there is Danger, lest some Good Spirit should start up, and of a sudden exhort them to Peace: And Men’s Minds are variable, for I have heard, that among the Living there is one Polygraphus, who is continually, by his Writing, inveighing against Wars, and exhorting to Peace.

Al.

Ay, ay, but he has a long Time been talking to the Deaf. He once wrote a Sort of Hue and Cry after Peace, that was banish’d or driven away; and after that, an Epitaph upon Peace defunct. But then, on the other Hand, there are others that advance our Cause no less than the Furies do themselves.

Ch.

Who are they?

Al.

They are a certain Sort of Animals in black and white Vestments, Ash-colour’d Coats, and various other Dresses, that are always hovering about the Courts of Princes, and are continually instilling into their Ears the Love of War, and exhorting the Nobility and common People to it, haranguing them in their Sermons, that it is a just, holy and religious War. And that which would make you stand in admiration at the Confidence of these Men, is the Cry of both Parties. In France they preach it up, that God is on the French Side, and they can never be overcome, that have God for their Protector. In England and Spain the Cry is, the War is not the King’s, but God’s; therefore, if they do but fight like Men, they depend upon getting the Victory; and if any one should chance to fall in the Battle, he will not die, but fly directly up into Heaven, Arms and all.

Ch.

And is Credit given to all this?

Al.

What can’t a well-dissembled Religion do? when to this there is added Youth, Unexperiencedness, Ambition, a natural Animosity, and a Mind propense to any Thing that offers itself. It is an easy Matter to impose upon such; it is an easy Matter to overthrow a Waggon, that was inclining to fall before.

Ch.

I would do these Animals a good Turn with all my Heart.

Al.

Prepare a good Treat; you can do nothing that will be more acceptable to them.

Ch.

What, of Mallows, and Lupines, and Leeks? for you know we have no other Provision in our Territories.

Al.

No, but of Partridges, and Capons, and Pheasants, if you would have them look upon you as a good Caterer.

Ch.

But what is it that moves these People to be so hot for War? What will they get by it?

Al.

Because they get more by those that die, than those that live. There are last Wills and Testaments, Funeral Obsequies, Bulls, and a great many other Articles of no despicable Profit. And in the last Place, they had rather live in a Camp, than in their Cells. War breeds a great many Bishops, who were not thought good for any Thing in a Time of Peace.

Ch.

Well, they understand their Business.

Al.

But what Occasion have you for a new Boat?

Ch.

None at all, if I had a Mind to be wreck’d again in the Stygian Lake.

Al.

How came that about? because you had too large a Company?

Ch.

Yes.

Al.

But you carry Shadows, not Bodies.

Ch.

Let them be Water-Spiders, yet there may be enough of them to over-load a Boat; and then you know my Boat is but a shadowy Boat neither.

Al.

But I remember once upon a Time, when you had a great Company, so many that your Boat would not hold them, I have seen three thousand hanging upon your Stem, and you were not sensible of any Weight at all.

Ch.

I confess there are such Sorts of Ghosts; those are such as pass slowly out of the Body, being reduced to little or nothing with Consumptions, and Hectick-Fevers. But as for those that are torn of a sudden out of gross Bodies, they bring a great Deal of corpulent Substance along with them; such as are sent hither by Apoplexies, Quinseys, Pestilences, and especially by War.

Al.

I don’t think the French or Spaniards bring much Weight along with them.

Ch.

Much less than the rest; but for all that, their Ghosts are not altogether so light as Feathers neither. But as for the Englishmen and Germans that feed well, they come sometimes in such Case, that I was lately in Danger of going to the Bottom in carrying only ten; and unless I had thrown some of my Lading over-Board, I had been lost, Boat, Passengers, and Boat-Hire, all together.

Al.

You were in great Danger then indeed.

Ch.

But what do you think I must do, when so many fat Lords, Hectors, and Bullies, shall come to us?

Al.

As for those that die in a just War, I suppose none of them will come to you; for they say, they fly bolt upright into Heaven.

Ch.

I can’t tell where they fly to; but this I am sure of, as often as there is a War, there come so many Wounded and Cripples to me, that I admire that there should be one Soul left above Ground; and they come over-charg’d, not only with Surfeits and Paunch-Bellies, but with Bulls, Benefices, and a great many other Things.

Al.

But they don’t bring these Things along with them, but come naked to you.

Ch.

True; but at their first coming, they bring the Dreams of all these Things along with them.

Al.

Are Dreams so heavy then?

Ch.

They load my Boat; load it, did I say? nay, they have sunk it before now. And, in the last Place, do you think so many Halfpence don’t weigh any Thing?

Al.

Yes, I believe they do, if they bring Brass ones.

Ch.

Therefore I am resolv’d to look out for a Vessel, that shall be fit for my Cargo.

Al.

You’re a happy Fellow.

Ch.

Wherein?

Al.

Because you’ll get an Estate in a Trice.

Ch.

What, out of a Multitude of Ghosts?

Al.

Yes, indeed.

Ay, if they did but bring their Wealth along with them. But now they sit in my Boat, bewailing themselves for the Kingdoms, and Dignities, and Abbacies, and the innumerable Talents of Gold they have left behind them, and bring me nothing but a poor Halfpenny: So that all I have been scraping together for these three thousand Years, will go for the Purchase of a new Boat.

Al.

They that expect Gain, must be at some Charge.

Ch.

But the People in the World have better Trading, I hear; for, if Fortune favour them, they can get an Estate in three Years Time.

Al.

Ay, and sometimes turn Bankrupts too; tho’ your Gain is less, it is more certain.

Ch.

I can’t tell how certain it is, if any Deity should start up, and make Peace among the Princes, all this goodly Expectation of mine is knock’d on the Head at once.

Al.

As to that Matter, I’ll take upon me to be your Security, so that you may set your Heart at Rest. You have no Reason to fear a Peace for these ten Years: The Pope is the only Man that persuades them to come to an Agreement among themselves; but he had as good keep his Breath to cool his Porridge. The Cities murmur at the Load of Calamities they lie under; and some there are, I can’t tell who, that whisper it about, that it is an unreasonable Thing, that the whole World should be turned upside down, for the private Piques and Ambition of two or three Persons. But for all this, take my Word for it, the Furies will get the better of it, let these Attempts be as promising as they will. But what Occasion had you to come into this World to get a Boat? han’t we Workmen enough among ourselves? We have Vulcan, have we not?

Ch.

Ay, right, if I wanted a Boat of Brass.

Al.

Or, you may send for a Workman for a small Matter.

Ch.

I might do that, but I want Materials.

Al.

What say you? Are there no Woods in this Country?

Ch.

All the Woods in the Elysian Fields are destroy’d.

Al.

In doing what?

Ch.

In burning Hereticks Ghosts, so that of late, for Fuel we have been forc’d to dig for Coals in the Bowels of the Earth.

Al.

What, could not Ghosts be punish’d at a less Charge than that?

Ch.

Rhadamanthus (the Judge) would have it so.

Al.

If it be so, when you have got a Boat, where will you get Oars?

Ch.

It is my Business to steer, let the Ghosts row themselves, if they have a Mind to get over.

Al.

But some of them never learned to row.

Ch.

I have no Respect for Persons, Kings and Cardinals row with me; every one takes his Turn, as much as the poorest Peasant, whether they have learned to row or not.

Al.

Well, do you see and get a Boat as cheap as you can, I won’t detain you any longer, I’ll away to Hell with my good News: But, soho, soho, Charon.

Ch.

What’s the Matter?

Al.

Make Haste, and get back as soon as you can, lest you be smothered in the Crowd.

Ch.

Nay, you’ll find at least Two hundred thousand upon the Bank already, besides those that are paddling in the Lake. I’ll make what Haste I can; and do you tell them I shall be there presently.

Genius Alastor139

In the Greek mythology Ἀλάστωρ was the avenging divinity. In the Christian demonology of the middle ages, Alastor was the executioner at the court of Beelzebub, emperor of the demons; of whom there was a regular organised commonwealth. Johannes Wierus (sixteenth century) gives an elaborate account of it in his Pseudomonarchia Daemonum.

One Polygraphus . . . . He once wrote a sort of Hue and Cry after Peace, etc.141

Polygraphus, the “Scribbler,” is Erasmus himself, and the piece referred to is his Pacis Querimonia, or “Complaint of Peace,” printed by Froben, 1516, a beautiful composition.

Love of War stirred up by the Friars141

Erasmus here refers to a fact that is not without importance to the philosophical student of history. Clerical influence in the Catholic church appears still, as in the middle ages, to foster war. The warlike atmosphere is probably more congenial to the instincts, and better favours the aims of the order than that of peace. On the general causes of the cessation of the chronic state of warfare in the middle Ages, see Buckle, vol. i., p. 190, sq.